Not long ago a question came up in my Women and Literature class: Who should pay for the first date? My students eagerly participated in the discussion, even the ones who hadn’t done the reading or never talked in class. ALL my female students said they expected the man to pay, certainly for the first date, or the first few dates. “If a man doesn’t pay, that’s a red flag for me,” said one. This shocked me. “But you all said you’re feminists,” I pointed out, “Feminists want equality. So why should this be unequal?” It turned out they had no real reason; they just liked it.

In my dating experience as an old(er) woman, most men are fine with splitting the bill, but some insist they want to pay. I also see some complaints in older men’s profiles that women slowly take out a credit card, while signaling they’re entitled to be treated to dinner by the man. There’s clearly a range in cultural expectations for all ages of males as payers, with women benefiting from the “treat.” No one I spoke to described women paying for first dates, or advocated for it..

The argument for women who want and expect men to pay for them is the simple enjoyment of popular traditions around gender. If I wear a white dress at my wedding, who cares that it once implied “purity” (meaning virginity)? I don’t have to be a virgin to take pleasure in following the tradition, right? The idea that men should spend their money on women originates in the old ideology of men as providers, protectors, and defenders, the upside of their rule and domination – but so what? Paying for meals or flowers is  just a pleasant behavior that has withstood feminism, they say.

I would say money is not quite the same as what color a dress is; if women had to wear only clothes men bought for them, that would change the equation. Money is a fraught topic in itself, because it’s a form of power. That’s why it’s one of the top subjects couples (hetero or same-sex) argue about.

There’s also an idea out there that women “deserve” to be treated by men because they’ve been paid less than males for work, and often still are, or that “dressing up” (including make-up, perfume, etc.) costs more for females than males. But I can’t help wondering if the real reason women who steadfastly believe men should pay is simply…that they approve of the old patriarchal ideas when they serve their own interest, and are feminists when they don’t.

That’s why some women I talked to were firm that they wanted nothing to do with gendered bill payment at all, from first date on. Their view is that when women are traditionally “taken care of” in any way that isn’t equal, there’s an underlying implication that they owe something to the man paying for them – especially on first encounters.

Now that I’m dating again, I have a different view about paying on the first or even subsequent dates that’s not about gender for me at all. I don’t think a man should pay because he’s a man. Instead, my principle is the old slogan that Marx popularized: “From each according to his ability.” If two people have about the same financial ability, they should split it, but if one has substantially more, that one should pay more – or all. I’ve been on a first date with a guy who first boasted about his wealth, then ordered an entire dinner for himself (it was 4 pm), while I had only tea. He happily accepted the four dollars I handed over when the bill came. That’s the worst of both worlds. Then again, I just had dinner with a date who has a much higher income than I do and wanted to treat me. I accepted, even though he is a man. 🙂

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