Note: Now these instructions may not work for you, because you are not me — especially if you’re a mere youth.

These words of wisdom are all based on true experiences.

1. Important! Do not say you’re sex-positive on the first date, don’t tell a supposedly hilarious story about your penis, in fact don’t mention your penis at all. And yes, that includes your penile implant.

2. Do not go into excruciating detail about all your marriages or previous relationships, especially why they failed, or for that matter, what was great about them. If we progress and get to know each other better, I’d be glad to hear all that, but…really, when I can barely remember your name?

3. Don’t boast! I don’t know whether women do this too (since I date men), but I’ve run into many who are like talking resumes, not only about their own accomplishments, but their wives’, their children’s, their grandchildren’s…and they’d include their dogs if they’d won a prize. Do I care if everyone in your family got into an elite school? Or if they’re fabulously creative and have this or that job or award? Not even a little bit. Tell me after I’ve met them. Which, let’s face it, I probably won’t.

4. Super-important! Do not interrupt and talk over me when I’m trying to chime in to your narrative stream, the one that’s going on and on, slowly meandering here and there.

This is huge for me: I’m a talker, but I also try to be an attentive listener. When a man doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, either about myself or my response to what he’s been talking about, it signals domination and control to me, not masculine strength.  I’m allergic to domination the way some people are allergic to peanuts. (For the record, while many men I’ve met have interrupted and talked only about themselves, I know women who do it too.) The definition of “conversation” is that it flows back and forth. So, in general – Do not hog the conversational space!

5. Please, please, don’t summarize the plot of a novel you’ve just read or the movie you saw. Maybe some people enjoy plot summaries, but I find them horrifically boring. If I want to read the book or see the movie, I don’t need you to recite the entire plot, and if I don’t want to, it’s pointless to hear “It’s about this guy, see…first he does this and then that happens, and after that…”. On the other hand, it’s fun to share our opinions of books and movies, which is a whole different kettle of fish from the plot summary, and that could tell me a lot about whether we could be good companions.

6. Be open with problems: I think people on first dates tend to try to come across as happy and oh-so-positive. Now some people are naturally cheerful and optimistic, yes, but actually I find problems more interesting to talk about. 

7. The Key to a Good First Date:  Ask questions! Not factual questions (“How do you get to work?”), or at least not mostly factual questions. Think ahead as to what you really want to know about this person. Be more probing, more than you would be if you were meeting a new colleague, for example. You and the new colleague will have plenty of time to get to know each other; you and this first date need to find out whether you want another meeting. The context is unusual, so you should ask unusual questions…I love those, and will share mine in the next post.

Well, not everyone is like me, but I can tell within 10 minutes or so whether I will want a second date. I’m picky, yes, the more so the older I get. My time is valuable! So, if you get a second date, you’re in the Golden Circle…it’s like passing the Bar exam on the first try. Well, much harder, in fact, since it hasn’t happened in years, and even then, we wound up as friends, not lovers.

I should say here that I’ve had a first date with men who check all the above boxes, who are attractive, sweet, pleasant, good talkers and listeners, have interesting minds, and so on…and I still knew I would not want to spend lots of quality time with them, i.e. they aren’t the kind of man I’m attracted to and I’m not the girlfriend they’re looking for. I had a date like that recently, and he was so nice, I hated telling him I could only offer friendship. But in the end, it’s not about boxes and check marks, it’s about…something else. I’ll save the “something” for another time.

Yes, I know, I’m so difficult to please that you would never date me! I don’t blame you. And that’s fine too. Because it’s pretty likely that I wouldn’t want to date you either. Let’s be friends!