How Not to Date Me Online, Part I

The Dating Profile:

1. I know this sounds odd, but telling me what activities you like to do in your profile isn’t helpful. Why? Because so, so many people like to travel, go to movies, and eat out, believe it or not! It doesn’t matter to me what kind of restaurants you prefer, or which countries you’ve been to, much less the number of them. I like people who haven’t traveled, and I’ve disliked people who travel a lot, no matter how exotic the place. Stacking up a chronicle of the awesome cities you’ve visited does not make me admire you, or even envy you. If you have a particular talent or passion, say that, but otherwise…get to the really important aspects of who you are.

2. Like everyone else, I filter out dates partly by their photos, but it’s hard to judge actual physical attraction before meeting. So I personally look first for religious views and political views, because these involve essential values. I’m looking for an interesting mind or an enjoyable personality (preferably both), and I rarely get any insight as to these. I certainly won’t be getting it from your list of places you’ve gone and the activities you do, because those don’t have to “match up” with mine. The fact that you like jazz doesn’t do a thing for me if you’re not going to be aligned with me in really meaningful ways. You can go to jazz clubs by yourself while I’m meeting my friends, you can play golf while I attend a book fair, you can slump on the sofa and watch sports while I exercise, and that’s fine. Those everyday interests will not determine whether I want to meet you or not. Instead, show me some depth or flair. 

3. Also, if you’re a widower, I would leave out your claim that you had a wonderful marriage. Yes, I know the idea is to impress us that you contributed to the wonderfulness of the marriage, but it’s suspicious that every single widower I’ve ever encountered on a dating app has had the happiest marriage with the most fabulous spouse ever, when almost all widows I know admit there was a teensy problem in the marriage here and there. And since it doesn’t make the slightest difference to me whether your wife was terrific, or the marriage was terrific, it just becomes a form of…I don’t know, boasting? Or if you really believe it, great for you, but maybe your wife would tell a different story, who knows.

4. Even worse is the number of “amazing” children and/or grandchildren you have, who are described as “just wonderful,” “fantastically successful,” “incredible”, and even (I swear) “spectacular”. Really? That’s not only unconvincing, I don’t actually care. Why does that make you a good date for me? Or a good date at all? Is the idea that you raised these children and grandchildren alone, and so you get credit for their fabulosity? Unlikely, let’s face it. Hey, I think highly of my children and grandchildren too, but I wouldn’t assume that’s going to sell me on the dating market.

P.S. After I posted the above, I had a first date with a guy whose adult son, he said, is “phenomenal.” His exact word. Of course.

5. Instead of saying you’re funny, witty, or have a great sense of humor (or your friends tell you this) – how about you demonstrate your wit in your profile and messages instead? Then I can at least have a feeling as to whether you’ll be enjoyable to be with. After years of dating experience, I’ve concluded that people who think they’re funny are often, alas…not. Or at least, you’ve got to have the right audience, and sadly, the type of humor that convulses your pals is not necessarily for me. And mine wouldn’t be for you, either. So show it, don’t tell.

6. I’ve noticed that a fair number of guys describe themselves in Hemingway style, i.e. short, compact sentences such as “Enjoy hiking Appalachian Trail. All-night restaurant afterwards.” “Street smart. Likes to keep fit. Tennis junkie.” Is removing pronouns and adjectives supposed to sound manly?

7. Worst of all is the guy who can’t bother to take a decent photo (lying on your bed with the camera pointed up at your chin isn’t flattering, who’d have thought), and/or has no information to share. What does he want in a date? “A sexy lady who is fun and loves me.” That’s it. No information about why the sexy lady should love him, or even date him, and I mean nothing. Too much trouble to use more words (Hemingway style). This type seems to think they can take five minutes to put up a photo, type in a sentence, and the rest is…a miracle. Presumably they spent money on the dating app. Go figure.

Part II of How Not to Date Me (The First Date) is next week.